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An Introduction
Or, I Give the Squibdiddle a Thorough Fructifying

Has anyone ever asked you to administer the nestsack? Or squire the krinfizzle? Or take the philimastrium out back for a much-needed burnishing? I'm guessing not. But if you have, you know what I felt like when I was asked to write "an introduction for the website." Because I'll be damned if I know what a "website" is, so how exactly am I supposed to introduce it? What are people expecting me to do? Vouch for its good character?

Still, you can see my stab at an introduction by clicking here. Or you can just move on to my "blog" below (which I've been forced to share, along with the rest of the website and the credit for MY novels, with that sneaky book-rustling blankety-blank Steve Hockensmith). Either way, I hope you'll come back often. If I've got to be here expurgating the tinletto or fabricating the conzab or what have you, I sure as hell don't want to do it alone.

Otto "Big Red" Amlingmeyer
Miles City, Montana
May 15, 1893



August 08, 2008

Spanks, but No Spanks

Sorry about that headline, gang. I just can't resist a good pun. Or a bad one, obviously.

Spanking's been on my mind (which is not usual for me, I swear!) thanks to something I just discovered: Spanking scenes are one of the big draws to this site. Which is bizarre, of course, since there aren't any spanking scenes on this site.

What you will find is one (allegedly) humorous essay by Big Red about accidentally stumbling upon a cowboy spanking video while surfing YouTube. But that was enough, apparently, to make this  a primo destination for spankfans, as "spanking + cowboys + movies" is now the fourth most-popular Google search bringing viewers to this blog. So I guess I should take this opportunity to say, "Welcome, bottom-swatting enthusiasts! I don't think you're going to find what you're looking for here, but feel free to stay a spell."

The third-most popular Google search leading here, by the way, is "Jeremy + Britt." Which has nothing to do, I'm assuming, with a theoretical love match between Jeremy Irons and Britt Eklund. More likely, folks are looking for information on the late, great Jeremy Brett, and they're snookered into coming here because his name was once misspelled in a comment posted to the site. If so, let me say this: "Welcome, Jeremy Brett/Britt enthusiasts! And welcome, too, to all of you who dream of seeing Jeremy Irons and Britt Eklund sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. I don't think you're going to find what you're looking for here, but feel free to stay a spell."

Oh, and the top two Google searches leading here? They are (thank God!) "Holmes + on + the + Range" and "Steve + Hockensmith." Which means I should probably pause here to say, "Welcome, Holmes on the Range and Steve Hockensmith enthusiasts! I sure hope you find what you're looking for here. And please please please -- don't let the spanking stuff scare you away...."

Steve Hockensmith
August 8, 2008

July 24, 2008

The Great Debate

As readers of this blog have probably figured out, I'm not a very "with it" guy. I am, in fact, almost entirely without it. Whatever "it" is. I'm not even cool enough to know.

What I mean to say is I'm not hip to the jive. I'm behind the curve, under the radar and out of the loop.

Which explains why it would take me two weeks to respond to an interesting thread on someone's else's site. Up to the minute I am not. I'm not even up to the decade.

So I probably shouldn't waste even more time by prolonging this lead-in, should I? Alright. Fine. Let's cut to the chase. Or, more appropriately, link to the debate.

A while back, reviewer/nice guy/goatee wearer/father/hyphenate David J. Montgomery posted an entry on his blog about the (in his opinion) generally poor quality of crime fiction published so far this year. On this, I will have to take David's word for it. Like I said: not with it. (Though I will point out that a certain historical mystery published in early '08 is, of course, a classic that will live forever in the hearts of book lovers everywhere.)

Still, with it or not, I do feel qualified (or at least opinionated enough) to weigh in on one comment David made. In the midst of a discussion of his "2008 sucks" premise on Sarah Weinman's blog, David said this: "...shouldn't every book try to be a great book? Does anyone really set out to just be okay?"

My answer to these questions would be, in brief, "Not necessarily" and "You betcha!" Unfortunately, brief doesn't really cut it. I'm going to have to explain myself, dammit. Pardon me while I brew up a pot of coffee.

O.K. I'm back, thoroughly caffeinated. Let's do this thing.

First, there's the question of greatness. Well...what the heck is it? What makes a book "great"? Is it emotional heft? Intellectual rigor? Piercing insight? Thrills'n'chills? Belly laughs? Originality? Heaps of hot sex? Delicious recipes for the family on the go?

The answer, of course, is all of the above. Or none of the above. Or some, in combination.

That's a lot of contradictory answers, of course...and they're all right! My point being: It depends on the book. Not every book is War and Peace, nor should every book be. There are big stories and there are small stories. Epic and intimate. Loud and quiet. In a perfect world, each of these different stories would be well told -- flawless crystallizations of the author's intent. But even then, they wouldn't all be knock-your-socks-off WOW!s.

Gregory Mcdonald's Fletch books neither left me weeping nor set my pulse to pounding, but they're really good and I'm glad I read them. Ditto Rex Stout's Nero Wolfe books. Ditto A Confederacy of Dunces, for that matter. Ditto the works of Jean Shepherd and James Thurber and Garrison Keillor.

Here's another way to look at it. The Godfather is Great. But Election is great. Lawrence of Arabia is Great. But Heathers is great. The Bridge on the River Kwai -- Great. Bottle Rocket -- great. Amadeus -- Great. The Big Lebowski -- great. And John Ford made a lot of Great movies, but if you'd told him they were Great -- as in Great Art -- he would've spat in your eye.

Not every film can or should aspire to Greatness of the Oscar- (or even box office-) approved variety. Not all of them should be trying to knock your socks off. Another example: Tender Mercies. A simple story played out on a small scale with almost no suspense or tension or even drama, really. My socks stayed on. But it's a good movie.

There should be room for films -- and books -- like that.

Which isn't to say (to finally get to David's second question, the one about whether authors ever "set out to just be okay") that I'm making some sort of impassioned stand for low standards here. There are writers who set their own bar low in the sense that quality storytelling means less to them than meeting a deadline, collecting a check and pleasing a particular (perhaps easily pleased) constituency. I'm betting some of these folks are even writing books they wouldn't enjoy reading themselves -- they're just going where the money is. Hence my "You betcha!" about 500 paragraphs back.

Speaking personally, I want all my books to be great, and I've worked hard (and I like to think I've succeeded) at making each better than the one that preceded it. But if I worried too much about Greatness or Sock-Blowingness or whatever, I think it would get in the way.

Best to focus on the job at hand -- telling a good story with as much clarity, creativity and humanity as I can muster -- and let others apply the labels when it's done.

Steve Hockensmith
July 24, 2008

July 12, 2008

Spanks for the Memories

Don't let that Hockensmith feller fool you. I have not opened a University of Nebraska trinket shop in Phoenix, Arizona. I've husked a fair amount of corn in my day, sure, but a Cornhusker I am not. Remember, friends -- Old Red and I hail from Kansas. Go, Jayhawks!

Not that either me or my brother went to the University of Kansas. Or the University of Anywhere, for that matter. And we've never even seen a game of "foot-ball." But none of that matters. If you told me Kansas had official teams for hand-ball, head-ball or bumpy-spot-at-the-back-of-the-neck-ball, I'd root for them all. And the same goes for the state's competitive egg beating and dirt eating and underwater farting squads, too. State pride is state pride.

So what have I been up to, if not trying to sell the fine folks of Phoenix red sweatshirts and base-ball caps and key chains shaped like ears of half-husked corn? Well, I'll tell you. Today I've been watching cowboys spank people.

Not intentionally, mind you! I'm not Hockensmith. Spanking (or slapping) is not something I find amusing in the slightest (probably because of all those trips out to the woodshed I had to take when I was a lad).

No, it was Westerns I was trying to educate myself on, not depravity. After reading over Hockensmith's reaction to the Western Writers of America's "best of" movie list last week, I decided to do a little research, YouTube-style. (Did you know I'm the only person in the whole of the 19th century with DSL? True fact!) And when I typed in the magic word -- "Westerns" -- what to my wondering eyes should appear? You can see for yourself here.

Don't worry -- that's not a link to the video itself. Just to the YouTube search results page. For those of you too squeamish to even go there (and I don't blame any of you), here's what you're not seeing: The very first video to pop up is called "Top 10 Classic Spanking Scenes in Westerns." And there's no false advertising involved, because if you choose to watch it -- and I made it through the first minute purely out of professional curiosity -- you'll find yourself witnessing one Wild West butt-bruising after another.

As to whether these are truly "classic" spanking scenes, I do not consider myself qualified to say. Really, I'm not sure who should get to decide such a thing. The Western Spankers of America? Whoever it is, they've been busy, cuz there's a video for the "Top 10 Spanking Scenes in Cowboy TV Shows," too.

Spankingcowboy Who knew cowboys were so "kinky" (as you moderners might say). I've heard my fair share of jokes about the Village People and Brokeback Mountain since mixing with you 21st century types, but whoa nelly. Maybe you're really onto something. Because it's a revelation to me that there could be a top 10 for cowboy spanking scenes in TV or movies. I mean, think about it. How many cowboy spanking scenes didn't make the cut? Dozens? Hundreds? It's enough to make a man throw his arms up to heaven and cry, "Dear Lord...what's with all the spankin', anyhow?"

Now would probably be a good time to go on the record saying I have never spanked a soul. Nor have I ever seen a full-grown cowboy throw a spicy little filly over his knee and give her a few playful thwacks to the backside. But if Hollywood is to be believed, us cowboys barely got any drovering done for all the keister-slapping we got to.

Kinda makes me wonder if I haven't been missing out on something....

Otto "Big Red" Amlingmeyer
July 12, 1893



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