Short Stuff

I know I'm overdue for an update here, but, man, I'm not in the mood. So maybe it's time for a non-update update. Here's the deal.

Every so often, I get an e-mail from a reader who wants a list of all my short stories. Inevitably, I can't find the message I sent back the last time I got the same request, so I spend 15 or 20 minutes typing up a list. And, also inevitably, I end my reply with something like, "Gee, you'd think I'd have this on my website somewhere, wouldn't you? I'll have to add this soon!"

Well, soon has finally arrived. The list is below. And just to make things a wee tad less non-updatey, I'm throwing in a bonus: my stream of consciousness take on each and every story! Here goes.

The Magazines

(1) "Promotion," White Knuckles, Issue 5 (1996)
Steve sez: "This is a 'Metamorphosis' parody/satire I first wrote in college and later got published in an obscure horror 'zine. Might be funny, I don't know. I haven't read it in 13 years."

(2) "Arnold the Conqueror," Analog Science Fiction and Fact, December 1997
Steve sez: "My first fiction sale to a professional, paying market. Yippee! Probably pretty painful to read, but I'm proud to have cracked Analog way back when."

(3) "Double Jeopardy," The Leading Edge, September 1998
Steve sez: "My last gasp as a wannabe science fiction writer. A piece of crap, but at least it's really short. I guess that makes it a really, really small piece of crap. To my horror, it lives on online. Die, bad story, die!"

(4) "Erie's Last Day," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, May 2000
Steve sez: "The story that changed everything for me. Now I was a mystery writer! Who knew where that might lead? Bonus: I have a feeling the story holds up pretty well. You can find it in The Best American Mystery Stories 2001, if you're so inclined. Oh, and it's in Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine Presents Fifty Years of Crime and Suspense, too."

(5) "I Killed Santa Claus," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, January 2001
Steve sez: "The first in a long string of Christmas stories for EQMM. I'm fond of them all. If they published this one today, though, someone would probably think I was ripping off Bad Santa. But my story was first!"

(6) "Strays," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, July/August 2001
Steve sez: "Sad sack Hoosier detective Larry Erie returns. The 'crime' I depict in the story was probably way out-of-date even at the time. Lame. I still like the characters, though."

(7) "Special Delivery," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, January 2002
Steve sez: "Another Christmas story. Not much plot -- it's really just a set-up, a confrontation and a resolution. But what do you want? It's a short story. Plus, it's funny (I think), so why complain?"

(8) "Minor League," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, July/August 2002
Steve sez: "More Erie moping around Southern Indiana. O.K. story, I think. Elyse Cheney, who's now my beloved super-fantabulous agent, contacted me out of the blue after reading it, so it must have something going for it."

(9) "Fruitcake," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, January 2003
Steve sez: "Yet another Christmas story. One of the best, methinks. Born from an anecdote my grandma told me about romance amongst the snowbirds down in Florida."

(10) "Dear Mr. Holmes," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, February 2003
Steve sez: "Ta-da! And here they are, ladies and gentlemen: Big Red and Old Red! And the mystery world was never the same.... Or maybe it was. You can find the story here, by the way."

(11) "Animals," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, July/August 2003
Steve sez: "Larry Erie rides again, this time tracking down -- dun dun DUN!!! -- a missing dog. Boy, that Larry...he was like the James Bond of Kentuckiana. High-stakes stuff. Can you believe Spielberg hasn't made a movie about him yet? Erie: The Adventure Begins, in which our hero helps a friend look for his reading glasses."

(12) "Secret Santa," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, January 2004
Steve sez: "Another X-mas tale, obviously. (The title's a bit of a giveaway, eh?) I like the fact that there's no real crime in this, though there is a mystery. Based partially on my experiences in the magazine business, and, yes, I do take fictional revenge on a particularly hateful boss. Isn't that what office stories are for?

(13) "Tricks," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, July/August 2004
Steve sez: "Larry Erie's back, and this time he's after -- dun dun DUN!!! (refrain) -- a missing monkey. Really. This was basically an excuse for me to recycle ideas and characters that were gathering dust in my first, still unpublished novel. As an attic-cleaning exercise it turned out O.K., I guess, since the story was nominated for several awards and ended up in an antho (the extravagantly named The Widow of Slane and Six More of the Best Crime and Mystery Novellas of the Year)."

(14) "The Case of the Unfortunate Fortune Cookie," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, October 2004
Steve sez: "One of the silliest things I've ever written. Basically, an Airplane!-style parody of Perry Mason...which was an odd thing for me to write, as I've never read nor watched any Perry Mason whatsoever. Go figure. Oh, and there's a framing device inspired by one of roommates in college, a guy who could talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk. So maybe that's why I wrote the story -- as an excuse to riff on my old pal. I dunno. Talk about a mystery."

(15) "Red Christmas," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, January/February 2005
Steve sez: "Hold on a tick. Did I say 'The Case of the Unfortunate Fortune Cookie' was the silliest thing I've ever written? Strike that. This is the silliest -- and probably stupidest -- thing I've ever written. The set-up: Santa Claus is kidnapped, someone's planted a bomb at the North Pole...and Mrs. Claus is ready to kick some naughty ass! I thought I might turn this into an annual thing, sending Mrs. C off to fight injustice every Christmas. But, uhhh...then I didn't do it. Thank God."

(16) "Naughty," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, January 2005
Steve sez: "The narrator of 'I Killed Santa Claus' comes back for another amusing (in theory) X-mas misadventure. She was the hero of the aforementioned unpublished novel, too, so I guess I had sort of a thing for her. Hannah Fox, smart-ass co-ed and disgruntled former mall elf, will we ever see you again?"

(17) "Gustav Amlingmeyer, Holmes of the Range," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, February 2005
Steve sez: "Everyone seemed to like 'Dear Mr. Holmes,' so what the hey -- I figured I ought to bring those Sherlock Holmes-loving cowboy guys back. That title sure would come in handy not too long after this, know what I mean? If you feel like tracking this one down, you can find it in another anthology with a title almost as long as one of the stories: Wolf Woman Bay and 9 More of the Finest Crime and Mystery Novellas of the Year."

(18) "The Big Road," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, May 2005
Steve sez: "I didn't know it at the time, but this was going to be Larry Erie's victory lap. It must be a pretty good story, I suppose, seeing as it ended up being a finalist for a snootful of awards. (On the other hand, it didn't win any of them.) I always figured I'd keep on doing Erie, but three years have gone by now, and I still haven't found the time. Sorry, Larry! One day, when no one will buy any more of those book-thingies I write, I'll get back to you, I promise."

(19) "The Macguffin Theft Case," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, November 2005
Steve sez: "This is either the second- or third-stupidest story I've ever written, depending on how you do the tally. It's a pseudo-sequel to 'The Case of the Unfortunate Fortune Cookie,' using the same annoying characters to bookend a genre send-up (this time of the Philo Vance mysteries, which I've actually read). I always meant to do one more so I could pretend it was a trilogy -- three just seems like such a better number to end on than two. But I never got around to that, either. Notice a trend developing here?"

(20) "Naivete," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, January 2006
Steve sez: "Here, the bad guys from 'Naughty' become the anti-heroes of their own little Christmas tale. It's probably a tad broad, but I still like it. Humor, holiday uplift and a twist ending. What's not to love? Or tolerate, anyway."

(21) "Wolves in Winter," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, February 2006
Steve sez: "Big Red and Old Red get caught in a snowstorm and are tracked by a pack of hungry wolves...and then things get really intense. Not so much a mystery as a suspense yarn with a wee smidge of deduction sprinkled in. It's one of my faves, though."

(22) "Didn't Do Nothing," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, June 2006
Steve sez: "I wrote this slice of urban crime-life for the pre-reboot Plots with Guns...and then they had the unmitigated gall not to like it! How dare they? It had guns, but maybe not enough plot...? Or maybe not enough guns, seeing as all the killings take place off camera? Or maybe the PWG guys just don't like me? Whatever, Linda Landrigan over at AHMM dug it, so though the story's sort of a downbeat bummer (A-ha! Maybe that was it!), it did have this happy ending: a check for $500."

(23) "Humbug," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, January/February 2007
Steve sez: "A Christmas story in which one Dickensian character (Inspector Bucket from Bleak House) investigates the murder of another (Ebenezer Scrooge). I really like this one, but it led to something strange: my very first piece of hate mail from a reader! Gosh, I rubbed this guy the wrong way. I remember his note started off nice -- like, 'I've been enjoying your stories for a long time' -- before everything went south with 'but this was the worst story I've read in AHMM in 20 years.' And then he got really nasty. Oh, well. God bless us, every one...even the irate cranks."

(24) "Dear Dr. Watson," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, February 2007
Steve sez: "Big Red and Old Red. A mysterious assignment from a real-live private detective. A rabid chihuahua. What's it add up to? Short story gold! Or maybe silver. Bronze, at the very least."

(25) "Hidden Gifts," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, January 2008
Steve sez: "My last Christmas story to date, and maybe the best. Like most of the X-mas tales, it's not a mystery per se -- it's more an excuse to graft a crime plot onto some fond memory of holidays past. (In this case, sneaking into my parents' room to look for gifts from 'Santa.') I'm hoping Christmas crime and I aren't through -- I loved writing these stories. But, alas, for now they have to sit tight on the back burner with Larry Erie and Hannah Fox."

(26) "The Devil's Acre," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, February 2008
Steve sez: "Another outing for Big Red and Old Red, this time in a San Francisco adventure that acts as a sort of teaser for The Black Dove. (Oh, I should probably mention: 'Wolves in Winter' sets up Holmes on the Range and 'Dear Dr. Watson' segues into On the Wrong Track. There. Now I've mentioned it.)"

(27) "Greetings from Purgatory!," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, February 2009
Steve sez: "Possibly the last (and, in my mind, definitely the least) Big Red/Old Red magazine story, and the end of my run with EQMM and AHMM. I've just been too busy with book projects to squeeze in any short fiction, and that's probably not going to change for at least the next 18 months. Which means it'll be two or three years before you see me in one of the mags again...assuming I ever finagle my way back in at all. Gee, almost makes me a little misty-eyed. To paraphrase the old SNL bit, 'Dell Magazines been velly, velly good to me.' Thanks, guys!"

The Anthologies

(28) "Fred Menace, Commie for Hire," Show Business Is Murder (2004)
Steve sez: "Based on the title, you might think this is every bit as stupid as 'Red Christmas' or 'The Case of the Unfortunate Fortune Cookie.' And you'd be right! But. As I'm in a quoting mood, let me steal from The Big Lebowski: 'There's a thin line between stupid and clever.' This one, I think, is on the right side of the line. Just don't ask me why."

(29) "Blarney," Death Do Us Part: New Stories About Love, Lust and Murder (2006)
Steve sez: "Here's an interesting one. Written right after a soul-shaking experience at the 2004 Bouchercon and right before I landed an agent and sold Holmes on the Range, this catches me in a bleak, hopeless mood, and the story shows it. Which is kind of funny, because the inspiration for it was one of the highlights of all my convention-going days: a long afternoon whiled away in a pub with Ken Bruen, John Schramm, and several other writer friends. It was a warm, wonderful time, a respite from the hard knocks I thought I was taking...and I went and turned it into a bile-filled slice of pseudo-noir. Ingrate!"

(30) "Excerpts from an Unpublished Memoir Found in the Basement of the Home for Retired Actors," Sherlock Holmes in America (2009)
Steve sez: "This was a bit of a lark for me -- a long shaggy dog story narrated by a blowhard English actor. I loved the voice so much I just ran with it. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that some people hate hate hate this one. Oh, well. At least I had fun writing it."

Missing in Action

(31) "Hellfire," Phantom Generations #6 (2009)
Steve sez: "This here's that kinda-sorta comic book story I keep promising you. It was supposed to come out in August, but now it's looking more like October or November. Stay tuned."

(32) "The Old Senator," Sherlock Holmes: The American Years (February 2010)
Steve sez: "I wrote this one a couple years ago, but the anthology kept getting pushed back and pushed back. Which is sort of a shame, as the story -- which, by the way, I think is one of my best in a long time -- is linked to the aforementioned (and much reviled) 'Excerpts from an Unpublished Memoir...' In fact, 'Excerpts' was supposed to be published second, so I wrote it to be a sort of amusing coda to this one, which is far more serious. Bleah. That's what you get for putting your faith in a publishing schedule."

(33) "The Water Indian," Ghosts of the West (Summer 2010...or not)
Steve sez: "Take heed, Holmes on the Range fans: This is a long lost Big Red/Old Red short story, and (thanks to the full plate I mention above) it'll probably be the only one to see print in the next couple years. The anthology in question was originally supposed to come out a long while back, but blah blah blah, publishing schedules. For those of you who care, the story chronicles an otherworldly adventure the boys had in Utah between the events of Holmes on the Range and On the Wrong Track. Ask for it by name! Assuming the book's ever actually published." 

(34) "Burl Lockhart's in Town," Hardluck Stories/Western Noir (???)
Steve sez: "Remember the broken-down old Pinkerton from On the Wrong Track? The famous Western 'hero' who turns out to be an unstable boozer? Well, this story was about him in his pre-broken down days, when he really was one of the most dangerous men in the West. It first appeared online in an all-Western issue of Dave Zeltserman's late, lamented webzine Hardluck Stories. The plan was, the issue would be released as a print anthology soon after. Well, that still might be true...providing four or five years later (or six or seven or never) qualifies as 'soon after.'"

Unpublished

Oh, there are a few -- and just be thankful you've been spared reading them.

Wow...was this supposed to be a non-update update? This was more like the Mother of All Updates! I'm actually grateful for those unpublished stories now. If somebody'd had the bad taste to buy the damn things, I'd still be working on this list....

Steve Hockensmith
September 12, 2009

Comedy Is Not Petty

Is Catch-22 a comedy? Slaughterhouse-Five? Little Big Man? Fargo? Fight Club?

These are some of favorite books and movies, and if they have one thing in common, it's this: They're funny, but they're not comedies. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say they're funny but they're not just comedies...though I don't like that because it sounds like I'm putting comedy down. "They transcend comedy." Bleah -- screw that %#!@! That'd mess with the whole point of this post. If I'm going to get to a point. No promises, folks!

So, this much we have established: I have a soft spot for funny stuff that's not comedy. Perhaps that explains why I write (I hope) funny books that aren't comedies. Which might come as a surprise to some of you who've chuckled your way through my novels. Did you know the "Holmes on the Range" books aren't comedies? Well, I don't think they are, anyway. To my mind, they're historical mysteries with a special toy surprise in every pack, just like Cracker Jack: They have a sense of humor! If you think they are comedies...I don't know, maybe that simply makes me full of %#!@. I mean, I write about cowboys in the American West in 1893, yet I don't think I'm writing Westerns, either. Am I nuts?

I wrestle with this, if you couldn't tell already. I'm wrestling with it right now. Are these books just light, frothy, lo-cal fun? Should I be writing them accordingly: with less darkness, less violence, less ambiguity, and more more MORE side-splitting laffs? I don't know.

Obviously (at least I hope it'll be obvious to those of you who've read The Black Dove and The Crack in the Lens), I've steered this series in a not-so-frothy direction. I was still trying to be funny -- when appropriate -- yet I was taking everything pretty darned seriously, too. And the thing that leaves me wondering is, as stated above, am I nuts?

I'm rambling here, I know, and that probably doesn't do me any favors in the "nuts/not nuts" debate. There's just a little too much pushmi-pullyu going on in my brain right now.

A push: Getting e-mails this week from two readers who've escaped from trying times through my mysteries. (One has been suffering great pain as the result of a medical condition. The other is in the military and was, until recently, stationed in Iraq.) My god, why would I want to bring more gloom into these people's lives? As John L. Sullivan put it, "There's a lot to be said for making people laugh."

A pull: Watching (thanks to my frenemy Google Alerts) the week-long dissection of On the Wrong Track (and several other historical mysteries) that recently concluded here. On the one hand, the discerning, erudite and well-read blogger in question allowed that my book was funny and engaging. On the other hand, it was "trivial," and he could only assume that every other entry in the series would simply be (as you saw if you followed the link) "the same dang thing over and over."

A push: Finding out that an old college friend recently killed herself, and that my best friend's father -- a quirky, funny man I've known nearly all my life -- died today of pancreatic cancer. To which my response is not to rage, rage against the dying of the light. No, I go back to Mr. Sullivan. We don't have long to laugh. What's wrong with doing it as much as we can, while we can? Hell, maybe that's just a different way of raging. And not a bad one, in my book.

As for my books, I'm still torn. I can tell you this much: The next "Holmes on the Range" novel is going to be the closest yet to a flat-out comedy. It's going to be a little goofier, and a lot less violent, and I won't be pounding away at a theme the way I was in The Crack in the Lens. And wouldn't you know it, so far it's been the most painful book to write...and I thought The Black Dove and The Crack in the Lens were gonna kill me.

Yes, there is indeed a lot to be said for making people laugh. One thing you could say: It helps us all get through this wacky Chamber of Horrors we call life. Another thing: It's really f-ing hard.

And I guess the last thing to say, for now: It sounds pretty good to me.

Steve Hockensmith
August 30, 2009

Talk Is Cheap. Very Cheap. Free, In Fact.

As my brother (and just about everyone else I've ever met) will tell you, I'm a talker. But serious as I take the fine art of lip-flapping, I can't claim to do it professional-like. I guess you'd say it's more an avocation for me -- or, as you moderners might put it, a "lifestyle."

Not so William Dufris. The man's a pro. So much so that I hear a goodly portion of my readers aren't really my readers at all: They're Bill's listeners. Meaning for them, a new Big Red/Old Red adventure isn't truly ready until Billy's read it out loud.

Mr. Dufris, you see, is the fellow who narrates all my books for Tantor Media. And I'm pleased to say he's taken his crack at The Crack in the Lens and done his usual top-rail job. This I know because the kind folks at Tantor just sent me a whole pile of "books on CD."

Now, as you might expect, I don't really need to listen to any of these all the way through, since I know how everything comes out in the end -- and believe me, having somehow survived that particular case the first time, I have no desire to live it through again. So I figure it's time for a giveaway.

Here's the deal: Be the first person to answer the question below correctly, and you'll receive your very own copy of the 8-CD CRACK IN THE LENS audio set. That's 10 hours of listening pleasure, absolutely free! (Well, I can't guarantee every single minute's going to be so all fired-up pleasurable. But it lasts 10 hours, anyway.)

Alrighty then. Ready? Wrap your noodle around this.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could NOT chuck wood?

And if you don't know anything about woodchucks, don't be intimidated. I'm betting you can make yourself a pretty decent guess....

Otto "Big Red" Amlingmeyer
August 23, 1893

Mother and Father Know Best

Y'know, I was talking to my mom and dad today, and they both said The Crack in the Lens is my best book so far. At first, I wasn't sure whether I should believe them -- like I said, they're my mom and dad, and what's more tomorrow is my birthday. Like they're going to break their baby boy's heart by saying, "In all honesty, son, we loved the first three books, but this one...? Meh."

But then I saw that good ol' Rich Prosch over at the Meridian Bridge blog agrees with my parents: I've topped myself. Thanks, Rich! Now I can take my mom and dad at their word on Crack. I suppose that means I should also believe them when they say I'm the nicest, funniest, handsomest man in the world. Woo-hoo!

Good ol' Marshal Zeringue doesn't weigh in on the "Best Book Yet...?" debate (nor does he endorse the nicest/funniest/handsomest thing), but he did give me the chance to gas on about The Joys of Crack on his Page 69 Test site. If you've never been there before, here's the set-up: Marshal asks writers how they think a reader would react if he or she randomly opened the author's newest book to page 69. Of course, I predict that any such reader tackling Crack would instantly conclude they're holding a classic, and what's more it must have been written by the nicest, funniest, handsomest man in the world.

And just because I'm anal and I think these kinds of "Look at me!" updates are best done in batches of three, here's a link to a Q&A I did for good ol' Shelf Awareness, an e-mail newsletter for in-the-know folks in the book trade. It went out to Shelf Awareness subscribers a while ago, but I'm only getting around to telling y'all about it now. Why? Well...even the nicest, funniest, handsomest man in the world screws up sometimes....

Steve Hockensmith
August 16, 2009

The Tracks in the Lens

I'm not usually big on collaboration. The closest thing I have to a writing partner is my mug of coffee (couldn't do a thing without that little son of a gun!), and that's the way I like it.

I did have a sorta-kinda collaborator on my newest book, though. The hitch: He's a dead guy. But I think he and I made a pretty good team.

Way, way back, when I first started working on The Crack in the Lens, I blogged once or twice about my (dead) buddy Bernard Herrmann. There were specific scenes in the novel I wanted to make Herrmannical or Herrmannish or Bernie Worthy or whatever you'd want to call it. "Creepy," in a nutshell. Gothic. Tinged with sadness and madness. The stuff ol' B.H. did best.

To get myself in the mood, I listened to a lot of Herrmann last year, especially when I was thinking about those key, creepy sequences in the book. And in a way, certain tracks -- bits from the scores for Vertigo and Psycho and Citizen Kane and others -- became the soundtrack for The Crack in the Lens.

And then just yesterday, because I'm both a geek and a glutton for punishment, I thought to myself, "Well, why not give everybody a listen?" Which is why I spent three hours last night messing around with HTML code. (FYI, I consider messing around with HTML for three seconds to be absolute torture.)

You'll find the result below -- a smattering of the tracks that helped inspire The Crack in the Lens. (Note: In some browsers, you'll need to right click on the music bar thingamajig to get the controls to pop up.) If you've read the book, this'll give you a little taste of what I was trying to do. (You can tell me if I succeeded.) And if you haven't yet read the book...what's the danged deal?!? It's been out for three weeks now!

Oh, and another important notice. I recognize that I don't own the copyright to any of this music. I'm presenting it here on a temporary basis in a format that can't be downloaded, with links to CDs of Bernard Herrmann's brilliant, brilliant work.

The Crack in the Lens: The Soundtrack -- Music by Bernard Herrmann

1. Overture (from Vertigo)

2. Gus and Gertie (from Vertigo)

3. Fudgin' Prisoners (from On Dangerous Ground)

4. Lottie (from Psycho)

5. Night Ride with Necktie (from On Dangerous Ground)

6. Where Gertie Died (from On Dangerous Ground)

7. Out by the Springs (from On Dangerous Ground)

8. Pursuit through the Streets (from On Dangerous Ground)

9. The Basement (from Citizen Kane)

10. Watching the Fire (from Citizen Kane)

11. Visiting Gertie/See It or Feel It?/End Credits (from The Ghost and Mrs. Muir)

Bernard Herrmann was one of the greatest film composers of the 20th century. His music can be purchased here, here, here, here, here and on many other wonderful CDs.

There. Hopefully now I won't be sued.

Steve Hockensmith
August 11, 2009

Welcome, New York Times Subscribers!

So you read about me in Marilyn Stasio's column in the New York Times Sunday Book Review and you decided to set aside your mug of free trade Guatemalan coffee, turn down NPR, and do a little Googling. Well, thank you! It's an honor to have you here! Allow me to make introductions.

I am the cute, clever and idiosyncratic Steve Hockensmith. (I know Ms. Stasio said my books were cute, clever and idiosyncratic, not me, but where do you think they got it from?) You can read a slightly out-of-date biography of me here. (Or maybe it won't be out of date. It depends on whether I have time to update it today. You can add "busy" to my list of descriptors. For the reason why, just check out the last line of my bio -- the one that mentions kids.)

I write the "Holmes on the Range" mystery series. It started in a short story you can find here and has continued through several more stories and four novels: this one, this other one, then this one, and now this. From time to time, I venture out into public to discuss my writing (and whatever else people want to chat about), and you'll find a schedule of my upcoming appearances here. I also have an e-mail newsletter you can sign up for (by going here) and occasionally drop in on book clubs discussing my novels (via an offer you can read about here). On top of all that, I'm quite the generous son of a buck: If you buy The Crack in the Lens in the next, oh, three days, I'll send you a paperback of one of the earlier books. (You can go here for more details. I'm extending the deal to accommodate all my new Times-reading admirers, like you. I hope.)

What else do you need to know about me? Well, my turn-ons include black humor, beer and kung pao chicken, my turn-offs are mean people, tramp stamps and Ethan Hawke, and my measurements are....

Then again, maybe you didn't need to know all that about me. So I think I'll just stop here.

Steve Hockensmith
August 1, 2009

Quid Pro Joe

Oh, my God! I'm scrambling to get packed for Houston, and you people think I should be blogging? Are you out of your ever-lovin' minds?!?

Well, maybe you are -- or maybe I am -- since the "you people" telling me to blog are all voices in my head. Still...those mothers are loud! "Your new book just came out...PROMOTE, you schmuck!" they keep shrieking.

But seeing as I don't have any time and I'm not exactly a master of self promotion anyway, I'm going to go the easy route: plagiarism. It's too late to steal someone else's book, so instead I'm just going to steal someone else's book contest.

Joseph Finder's, to be exact. Joe's telling folks he'll give 'em a free paperback if they buy his new hardcover. Smart! Move units while cleaning out the garage! I'm so down with that.

Only I'm no Joe. For one thing, I'm not a super-successful publishing JUGGERNAUT!!! I also don't have a wonderful assistant named Claire, as Joe apparently does. I don't even have a smelly, completely incompetent assistant named Cletus or Bobo. (Bobo would be my trained monkey. If I had a trained monkey. Which, as stated above, I do not. So hold off on those protests, PETA!) I mean, obviously I need help (in more ways than one), but it's just me here, so I have to make this a first come, first served kinda deal.

Here it is. The first 10 people to send me their receipt for The Crack in the Lens will get, absotively posilutely free, the paperback edition of either On the Wrong Track or The Black Dove. (They can also have the Japanese-language edition of On the Wrong Track, if they want, but I can't imagine I'm going to get many takers on that. Even in Japan.)

If you want to hop aboard the free book gravy train, shoot me a message at steve AT stevehockensmith DOT com and...well, I'm still working on the details. (No Claire, remember?) And tell 'em Joe sent you!

Now...where did I put that damn suitcase...?

Steve Hockensmith
July 27, 2009

First Crack

It's finally here. D-Day. Time to sweep those Ratzis out of France and dump 'em back across the Rhine where they belong. They're dug in deep, sure, but that's never stopped you hard-luck dog faces before, has it? So come on, Easy Company -- MOVE OUT!!!

Whoops. Sorry to go all Sgt. Rock on you. Wrong D-Day. No one needs you to storm Normandy. What you need to storm is your local independent bookstore. Because, lucky for us, "D-Day" for a book means "drop day" -- as in the day it finally goes on the shelves. And Tuesday, July 21 -- a.k.a. tomorrow -- is drop day for The Crack in the Lens. (Which, news flash, the Dallas Morning News likes quite a bit, thank you very much.)

If you live in the Bay Area, you can celebrate with me live and in person (well, I'll be there in person, anyway -- no promises on how lively) at Alameda's Books Inc. at 7 p.m. If you can't make the 5/50/500/5,000-mile trek to be there, no worries. Over the next few weeks, I'll be popping up here and there to promote the book. And if you still can't catch me in person this summer, just stock up on copies and I'll sign them for you at the Bouchercon mystery convention in Indianapolis come October. I mean -- you'll be there, right? If I miss my panel, look for me in the bar.

And if you can't be there, well, then you're just plain screwed...or maybe not! Because as a reward for reading this far, you now have the chance to win a copy of The Crack in the Lens absolutely free! (I know -- that "absolutely free" bit is, like, totally redundant. If you win a prize, it's "free" by definition, right? But doesn't it sound better to win something absolutely free?) 

Here's the deal. The first person to answer the question below correctly gets The Crack in the Lens and a super-special bonus prize...absolutely free, of course! (The bonus prize is so super-special I haven't even decided what it is yet.) The fifth person to answer the question correctly gets The Crack in the Lens (absolutely free!) and...oh, I don't know...a bookmark. (Not all bonus prizes can be super-special.) And the second, third, fourth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth and tenth people to answer the question correctly will get a personalized e-mail from me telling them that they did not win the contest. Print it out, and it's a suitable-for-framing collectible!

The question: Who is America's best-selling author of Sherlockian historical mysteries set in the Old West?

Where to send your answer: steve AT stevehockensmith DOT com

Now come on, Easy Company -- MOVE OUT!!!

Steve Hockensmith
July 20, 2009

UPDATE: The eagle has landed, the book has dropped. Huzzah! But then again, I don't need to tell you, because you already ran out this morning and bought your copies (makes a great gift!) and have dived right into reading it. Right? Right?

Holmes Improvement?

For weeks now, I've been thinking I oughta weigh in on the whole Robert Downey Jr.-as-Holmes thing. I could just never work up enough enthusiasm for it, though. (For weighing in, that is.) So what a break for me that I no longer need to bother thanks to Rafe McGregor over at The Rap Sheet. He makes every point I would have plus a good bunch more, and he makes them very well indeed.

Nicely done, sir! Now would you mind blogging about my newest book? I can never work up much enthusiasm for Blatant Self Promotion, either....

Steve Hockensmith
July 13, 2009

Fine Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt

Just in case any of you were worried that my brother Ron and I were going to be supplying the artwork for my upcoming (professional) comic book debut, here's a sneak peek at the work being done by pencil/ink master Scott Brooks. As you can see, the story involves pirates and a scary guy in very tight clothes. As you can also see, Scott's doing a superfantabulous job bringing it to life.

Oh, and the comic book in question -- The Phantom: Generations #6 -- goes on sale August 26. Ask for it by name!

Cuz, y'know, if you go into the store and ask for "the comic about pirates and the scary guy in very tight clothes," the dude behind the register is probably gonna look at you funny....

Steve Hockensmith
July 11, 2009