Kirkus Maximus
A Picture Is Worth a Thousand ARGH!

I'll Jumble for Ya

Hey there, friends. I'm still plugging away at the next book -- and I've got plenty of plugging to do before the son of a gun's fully plugged. (How exactly does one "plug at" something, anyway? I mean, I know how to plug a hole, but there's no at to it. You just do it. If you have to plug at a thing, seems to me you're admitting you might miss.)

Seeing as I'm pretty pre-occupied thought-wise, I thought I'd take a page from Steve Hockensmith's book (instead of him just taking my whole damned book) and try my hand at writing like that fellow Larry King used to do. Half-assed? Maybe. But it's fully-assed where it counts -- getting me back to the book quicker.

Here goes.

I don't think kinetoscopes will ever amount to beans. Who'd want to watch grainy, colorless pictures when there's real, live singing, dancing and joke-telling going on in the vaudeville houses?...I don't care how long the Armour folks say it'll keep: Ham in a can just ain't natural...That Ambrose Bierce is a writer to watch...How is it store-bought denims can fit better than home-stitched trousers? My hat's off to you, Mr. Levi! Those "jeans" of yours are a marvel! One question, though: Why oh why must they always be blue? Last time I checked, brown or black drawers was the norm...Better watch out, Mr. Cody! One of these days, Annie Oakley just might strike out on her own. And I'll tell you what -- without a sharp-shootin' gal, Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show's just a bigger-than-average rodeo with a fancy name...I love a good detective yarn. I love Mark Twain. So why is it "A Double Barrelled Detective Story" is such an unlovable mess? Sorry, Mr. Twain! As a writer of novels, you can't be beat. But as a writer of mystery tales, ol' Doc Watson's got you beat cold...Speaking of which, that Dr. John Watson is a writer to watch...Overrated: Ivanhoe, Nick Carter, Coca-Cola, my brother (by himself)...Underrated: me (by my brother), Dr. Pepper, a good stiff drink at the end of the day. Speaking of which...good night, amigos!

Gulp!

Otto "Big Red" Amlingmeyer
November 20, 1893

Comments

Brett Battles

Gotta agree with you Big Red on the Dr. Pepper mention. I drink little else myself (though more of the modern "diet" variety these days...) And the Levis, yes-siree-bob. Top notch.

But Annie Oakley would never go off on her own. Ridiculous.

Big Red

"Diet" sody pop is something I'll never understand. If I want sweet, I'll get me some sugar, thank you -- not some gunk Tom Edison cooked up in a test tube.

And don't be so sure lil' Annie wouldn't pack up her guns and go solo. I keep telling my brother he shouldn't take anything for granted -- sometimes sidekicks wanna be topkicks, and the only way to do it is to mosey along elsewheres....

-Big Red

John Schramm

I'm a Pepsi drinker myself. And I gotta say, once you remove the sugar and the caffeine, what's left? And moreover, what's the point?

I also like Mountain Dew Code Red. Good stuff, and so bad for ya!

Big Red

They had Mountain Dew back in my day. Except it wasn't really Mountain Dew -- it was just mountain dew, as in dew you'd slurp off leaves in the morning when you were outta fresh water with no brook or pond in sight. Not bad stuff, actually. Beat Coca-Cola hands down, that's for sure.

-Big Red

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